Saying No in Your Personal Life

In my last article I talked about saying no in the context of a project. Quite frankly this is much easier to do than saying know in my personal life. In a project I am answerable to higher authorities and must weigh how a "yes" will affect others. In my personal life a yes or no most likely just affects me - or at least affects only me in the immediate time frame.

Gender notwithstanding, the song from "Oklahoma", "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No" has always been my theme song! It's just so hard for me to refuse any request. As I analyze this behavior I find there are three reasons this is so difficult for me.

1. It's rude to say no. I was raised to be a polite young gentleman. Everyone from my parents to my grandparents to aunts and uncles took an active part in this piece of my education. One just didn't say no - of if you did you were likely to get smacked. The goal in life was to be polite and accommodating - to everyone.
2. People won't like me if I say no. This is a logical conclusion to number one. I am polite and accommodating so people will like me. If they like me then things will go better for me.
3. My priorities aren't as important as everyone else's. There's a horrible saying I grew up with, "The definition of joy is: Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. While perhaps teaching the importance of priorities and reducing the likelihood of the deadly sin of pride, it instills a horrible perspective of self worth and self image.

Saying no in this context is very difficult and so the path of least resistance is to just say yes. But what happens to me when I don't say no?

On an emotional level I feel rude. This is counter to how I was raised and goes against deeply ingrained behaviors. It's uncomfortable and I find I feel like I don't really like myself. Internally I cringe each time a say no - or even entertain the thought of saying no - and cower expectantly for that smack upside my head.

Additionally I risk disappointing people and if I disappoint them they won't think highly of me and my reputation will suffer, and they won't like me anymore. Remember that I want people to like me! I have this belief buried deep within me that if they like me they will respect me and things will go better for me. But just because people like me doesn't mean things will go easier for me. Fact is, the more I say yes, the more I will get asked.

When I don't say no I risk putting myself last and I won't get things done that I need to get done. The affects of these build over time; the more I put myself last the more "normal" that feels and the more comfortable I get at it - it gets deeply ingrained in my psyche and habits. As a result of putting things off that are important to me I build the habit of procrastination. This is a pernicious little habit and one that can take a lifetime to break.

I've also discovered that not saying no builds resentment. I've been polite and accommodating to these people - they should like me now, right? And if they like me then they should respect my needs - even if I haven't expressed them. Yet they keep coming to me with requests on my time and priorities - how dare they! They should like me enough to know better! Thus is the thought process rattling around in my head as the resentment builds. Oddly enough this resentment grows most strongly against those closest to me.

Saying no in our personal life mirrors the same constraints found in project management. First and foremost you must have a clear picture of your priorities and goals. Just like a project your life is hemmed in by the triple constraints of time, money, and scope. Only this time these constraints aren't affecting a client or corporation, they are affecting you!

There are three categories of people that we continually say yes to - or rather, refuse to say no to: those who have some control or power over us, those we feel beholden too, and myself.

Each group requires different ways of saying no. For those that have some power over us you have to be very clear what's at stake - just like on a project team. Saying no will have repercussions so you have to take the time to explain the effect of their request and possibly to establish proper boundaries.

To facilitate saying no you have to be clear about what you are doing and how an interruption will affect you. Is it going to be a five minute thing or a 50 minute thing? Can you schedule it for another time? Is it even a task you should be doing? (If not, then perhaps boundaries need to be set.) Will saying yes adversely affect your income? Will saying no adversely affect a relationship - either with the requester or someone else in your life?

Once you begin to answer these questions you can formulate your answer. In responding, here are some things to keep in mind:

• Don't let yourself be pressured into an answer - you have the right to think it through and make an educated reply.
• Be polite. You can be firm if you need, but you should always be polite.
• Don't feel guilty about what you have planned.
• Don't be afraid to set boundaries or limits.
• Look for alternative schedules. Can this be done later?

Saying no doesn't make you a bad -- or mean -- person! It focuses your energies onto what's really important to you in the "now".