Saying No in Your Personal Life

In my last article I talked about saying no in the context of a project. Quite frankly this is much easier to do than saying know in my personal life. In a project I am answerable to higher authorities and must weigh how a "yes" will affect others. In my personal life a yes or no most likely just affects me - or at least affects only me in the immediate time frame.

Gender notwithstanding, the song from "Oklahoma", "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No" has always been my theme song! It's just so hard for me to refuse any request. As I analyze this behavior I find there are three reasons this is so difficult for me.

1. It's rude to say no. I was raised to be a polite young gentleman. Everyone from my parents to my grandparents to aunts and uncles took an active part in this piece of my education. One just didn't say no - of if you did you were likely to get smacked. The goal in life was to be polite and accommodating - to everyone.
2. People won't like me if I say no. This is a logical conclusion to number one. I am polite and accommodating so people will like me. If they like me then things will go better for me.
3. My priorities aren't as important as everyone else's. There's a horrible saying I grew up with, "The definition of joy is: Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. While perhaps teaching the importance of priorities and reducing the likelihood of the deadly sin of pride, it instills a horrible perspective of self worth and self image.

Saying no in this context is very difficult and so the path of least resistance is to just say yes. But what happens to me when I don't say no?

On an emotional level I feel rude. This is counter to how I was raised and goes against deeply ingrained behaviors. It's uncomfortable and I find I feel like I don't really like myself. Internally I cringe each time a say no - or even entertain the thought of saying no - and cower expectantly for that smack upside my head.

Additionally I risk disappointing people and if I disappoint them they won't think highly of me and my reputation will suffer, and they won't like me anymore. Remember that I want people to like me! I have this belief buried deep within me that if they like me they will respect me and things will go better for me. But just because people like me doesn't mean things will go easier for me. Fact is, the more I say yes, the more I will get asked.

When I don't say no I risk putting myself last and I won't get things done that I need to get done. The affects of these build over time; the more I put myself last the more "normal" that feels and the more comfortable I get at it - it gets deeply ingrained in my psyche and habits. As a result of putting things off that are important to me I build the habit of procrastination. This is a pernicious little habit and one that can take a lifetime to break.

I've also discovered that not saying no builds resentment. I've been polite and accommodating to these people - they should like me now, right? And if they like me then they should respect my needs - even if I haven't expressed them. Yet they keep coming to me with requests on my time and priorities - how dare they! They should like me enough to know better! Thus is the thought process rattling around in my head as the resentment builds. Oddly enough this resentment grows most strongly against those closest to me.

Saying no in our personal life mirrors the same constraints found in project management. First and foremost you must have a clear picture of your priorities and goals. Just like a project your life is hemmed in by the triple constraints of time, money, and scope. Only this time these constraints aren't affecting a client or corporation, they are affecting you!

There are three categories of people that we continually say yes to - or rather, refuse to say no to: those who have some control or power over us, those we feel beholden too, and myself.

Each group requires different ways of saying no. For those that have some power over us you have to be very clear what's at stake - just like on a project team. Saying no will have repercussions so you have to take the time to explain the effect of their request and possibly to establish proper boundaries.

To facilitate saying no you have to be clear about what you are doing and how an interruption will affect you. Is it going to be a five minute thing or a 50 minute thing? Can you schedule it for another time? Is it even a task you should be doing? (If not, then perhaps boundaries need to be set.) Will saying yes adversely affect your income? Will saying no adversely affect a relationship - either with the requester or someone else in your life?

Once you begin to answer these questions you can formulate your answer. In responding, here are some things to keep in mind:

• Don't let yourself be pressured into an answer - you have the right to think it through and make an educated reply.
• Be polite. You can be firm if you need, but you should always be polite.
• Don't feel guilty about what you have planned.
• Don't be afraid to set boundaries or limits.
• Look for alternative schedules. Can this be done later?

Saying no doesn't make you a bad -- or mean -- person! It focuses your energies onto what's really important to you in the "now".

Saying No in a Project Environment

"No" is never an easy thing to say whether at work or in our personal lives. Some of us are more adept than others, but regardless of your skill level it still is not an easy thing to say. In these next two articles I will explore the "when" and "how" of saying no in the contexts of Project Management and in our personal time management.

When it comes to managing a project all sorts of stake holders will be making requests of you, the Project Manager. These requests may range from deadline extensions (time line) to modifying the end result (scope creep), and everything in between.

To manage these you have to be very familiar with the concept of the "triple constraint" in projects. Every project you undertake is hemmed in by these three constraints: scope, time and money.

Say for example your project owner decides, for valid business reasons we hope, that instead of 12 months the project must be completed in six. Unless you have just really over padded your project then this really isn't going to be doable given the resources you've allotted and the defined scope. In order to meet this new deadline you're either going to have to reduce the scope of the project or throw significant chunks of money at it to hire more resources.

Or say the project owner comes to you and says, "I know that this project will do A, B and C, but I think it should also do D and E." It's possible that with only minor tweaks this could be done and there would be little or no effect on the other project constraints. The more likely answer, however, is that in order to do this you would have to extend the due date of the project and/or spend more money on resources.

This latter example is called "scope creep" and can come from many sources. Scope creep presents a major risk to a project. This risk can be a positive risk (as in it actually enhances the product and could present little to no effect on the time line and budget) or a negative risk in that it could greatly over extend the time and budget or worse yet, bring the project to a screeching halt. It is your job as the project manager to evaluate these risks.

Armed with the knowledge and full weight of your project's triple constraints you will be able to work with the project owner to come to a good decision. Perhaps you will lead her to a "No" with the realization that the department or company can't afford the impact to the scope, time line or budget. It's also likely that the new outcome outweighs the risks and the decision can be made to move forward with the changes.

When these types of requests come to you from above you don't want to stand there with your feet firmly planted and a "just say no" attitude. You have to educate these key stake holders of the risks and then let go of the outcome - because ultimately they are responsible for the project. Your job is to present all sides of the issue, complete with risks and benefits, and let them make the best decision. You also need to make sure that proper sign off is gained so that should it all go south you have a paper trail that shows who made the decision and when. Otherwise it could all land in your lap!

More often than not the requests come from other stake holders - such as project team members, customers, etc. Depending on who the requester is and what you feel the impact will be you will have a bit more authority to say yes or no. I have found that the majority of these types of requests come from two stakeholder sources: project team members and customers.

The requests from team members are those that usually affect scope or time. Often someone working closely on the project will come up with an idea that could significantly increase the usefulness of the product (scope creep). These are the people who know the product best and their ideas should be taken seriously. If you are too quick to say no then you risk alienating them and possibly losing a great enhancement to the final product. Try to bring them into the evaluation process so they get a fuller understanding of the risks and benefits.

More frequent, however, are the requests from a project team member that affect the time line's due dates directly. These are usually in the form of requests to move out a deadline. My personal approach is to address these requests right at the start of a project. I tell my team that if they find themselves approaching a missed deadline - either because they have hit a road block, they don't know how to do something, or they've become overwhelmed in some other area and have just not gotten to it - they need to tell me well in advance of the due date. If they come to me the day before it's due, or worse yet, the moment it's due - well, let's just say you don't want to have that conversation with me because at that point there's nothing I can do to help you. If you let me know early on then I can get you the assistance you need, divert it to someone who can get it done, or at least alert the project owners that this part will be behind schedule for a bit and devise a plan to make up the time.

The requests that come from the customers usually affect scope, but if they are from a customer that is controlling the budget line then you might have to deal with the budget constraint. The customers are the people who are going to be using the product and before the project is over it will have to pass user acceptance testing. It pays to keep these people happy and in the loop - they can make or break a successful conclusion to the project.

Simple requests like, "Can this be bold face instead of a red highlight?" might seem too simple to even consider and worthy of a quick dismissal. But what if there is a customer that is red/green color blind? All your pretty color schemes are now out the window! It might have paid off to listen to this customer.

Again, the best approach is to hear them out and weigh the cost and benefits with them. If they see the full effect of their request they might reconsider it. If they are insistent then you can bring it up to the project owner for consideration.

Saying no in the context of a project is much less emotional than it is in your own personal life. You have others you can point to and who will back you up. The "trick" is to try and bring the requesters into the decision making process with you as much as is feasible. This lets you say no with out really saying "no".

In my next article on saying no we will take a look at saying no in your personal life and in the context of your time management.

Learn MS Project the Fun Way

Let's face it, MS Project can be daunting. Regardless of how many courses you've taken, until you sit down with it and put it to use you just don't really learn it. Here's a tip: Plan something fun with it!

Back when I was first becoming a project manager and was trying to wrap my brain around MS Project and just how it worked, I struck upon a fun way to learn it. It was coming up on Thanksgiving and I was preparing the meal for our family celebration. I plugged it all into Project and put in everything from shopping to chopping to roasting and toasting! I was able to learn all about lead and lag time and dependancies and the result was a perfectly timed (and delicious) Thanksgiving dinner.

So don't let these products scare you - find something fun, whether it be a dinner or the family vacation, and use these less threatening projects teach you the tools of the trade.

Unemployment and Time Management

How to Regain the Importance of Your Day!

If you've been following me on Facebook you know that in October of 2009 I got caught in a reduction of force (RIF) at my company and was laid off. (After 11-1/2 years of exemplary service, but hey, I'm not bitter.) It's now July 2011 and I'm still searching for a job. But this blog post isn't about the job search process per se; rather, it's about the impact being unemployed has had on my time management. I thought that in today's economy I might not be the only one in this boat and so wanted to share some thoughts and tips with you. I hope you will get something out of this and please share your thoughts with me.

You would think that being unemployed would be boon to my personal time management practice. I mean after all, I now have all this spare time, right? I have all the time in the world to sit down and plan and track everything. Those excuses of too many phone calls and emails, of not having enough time, are gone.

But you would be wrong... wrong on so many levels.

First off, let's look at this thing called "free time". I've discovered that being unemployed is apparently a lot like being retired. As soon as people find out you "aren't busy" you become inundated with requests on your time - some of it very well meaning. And you take them up on it too. You get yourself involved because you want to be busy; you don't want to sit at home alone and wallow - you want to get out there and at least act like you're productive. Before you know it, you find that every spare minute is consumed.

But these things really feel more like busy work. It's not your "job" because you arent' getting paid for it. It doesn't feel important and you don't bother tracking it. Besides, tracking it often just becomes a reminder that you aren't working anymore.

The time that you do track is a single task: LOOK FOR WORK. You could track each and every job you apply for (and I actually do recommend that you track these in some manner) but if you're like me, you're sending out so many resumes in a day that it becomes counter productive to track them all.

The other problem is emotional. Being unemployed for any length of time wears you down; it eats away at your self esteem. I find this especially true as someone who is middle-age with a career that has been in middle to high management - those jobs just are too few and far between right now and the competition is fierce. It really takes its toll. When this happens you get depressed. You start to lose hope and sitting in front of the TV seems so much more inviting - and who wants to track TV time on their task list!?!

So your time management practice slips. It slipped for me, and I bet it has slipped for you. This is no time to beat yourself up for this; it's natural and it happens. Don't worry about it.

I've discovered (with the help of some great friends) a few things that can help.

The daily routine is broken - it's gone, and you won't get that back until you start that new job. It's time to create a new "day at the office routine" that will give you a sense of doing something. When you were at the office the day was filled with phone calls, meetings, coffee breaks, projects, tasks, and even lunches, parties and meeting with the team for drinks after work.

I realized it was important for me to take the very things I was doing throughout the day and give them the same "work" importance. From the important things (like job research and searches, Dr's visits, and charitable work) to the mundane (like doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, and shopping) to the fun (like dinner with friends, meeting someone for lunch, or working on my web site), I began to log these things as if they were parts of my "business" day.

I decided not to track these in my task list or calendar - I continue to use those at a higher level - but rather, I use a simple spreadsheet. I plug in the things I know are coming up and each day I block out the time as things come up. It's best to plot them in ahead of time rather than retroactively, but the most important thing is to get them posted.

At the end of the day it looks like an actual work day, with meetings, projects, lunches, etc. My day feels productive and I'm less prone to drift off and waste time.

Timing is Everything!

Just the day after writing about evaluating an electronic Time Management system, LifeHack.org published this article. It's a great article and completely ties into my reasons for at least starting out with a paper system.

I hope you enjoy the article!

http://bit.ly/lITzbF

Moving to an Electronic Time Management System

This article is far from all-inclusive, but it's a place to start. I welcome any questions you might have.

Moving to an Electronic Time Management System

The beauty of a planning notebook such as Day Runner, Day Planner, Filofax, etc., is its ability to contain everything in one spot. You don't have to worry about syncing it with anything; never have to worry if something on your work computer made it to your home computer and to you smart phone, or your iPad. Nope, it's all there in black and white—or red, green, blue, and orange—in your notebook that you keep with you always.

But we're in the age of electronics now, and many of us spend almost all of our time with our eyes on the computer monitor and our hands on the keyboard and mouse. And what precious moments aren't on those are spent focusing on our Blackberries, iPhones, iPods, Droids, and other electronic "smart" devices.

Add to that the importance and integration of email into our lives and electronic means to time management leap ahead in the race to finding solutions that work for us. Let's face it, about 80 to 90 percent of our information comes to us via email, be they tasks, appointments, contact information, or other miscellany.

In the old paper method we had only three main tools in out tool box--task list, calendar, and journal. Now, thanks to computers, we have at least two more: email and contact management.

Ironically, the problem with electronic devices and solutions is that they haven't really caught up to the simplicity and versatility of the good 'ole manual paper and pen system! The various systems don't always talk to one another, and if you finally get them to do so, you are stuck with that one system and God forbid you have to switch to another device or application.

My Story

First I want to say that I do not endorse any one time management product, either manual or electronic. I was weaned on the Franklin Planner time management system and I do admit a definite soft spot in my heart for it. It was so long ago that Covey's name wasn't yet attached to the product line and in those days I had my day planner virtually hermetically sealed to my body--where I went, it went. Everything was there and I loved it!

At my last full time job I started out with my wonderful little Franklin Planner book... I even designed and printed my own template pages—major time management geek! During the course of my time there the company went to MS Outlook and its task management, calendar and journal features fit perfectly with my day planner. Why, it even let me print out pages in the correct format to put in my notebook. Later I purchased Franklin Planner's electronic system which wrapped around Outlook quite beautifully. It also seamlessly synched with my Blackberry. So there it all was: my task list, my calendar, my journal, my contacts... all of it was right at my finger tips.

Until I was laid off, that is. Then I lost all the conveniences.

Sure, I still had my Blackberry and the information was there, but I no longer had it on all my computers. I began to look for web-based solutions and I decided on the Google suite of applications to manage most of the things. At least the calendar and contacts synced well with my Blackberry. But Google tasks didn't; there was no journal application linked between the two, and things looked pretty grim for a while.

I'm sure there are other products out there that work great--in fact, might even work better, but my primary consideration was cost. By that I mean I wanted a free solution, and Google provided that. (When you've been laid off, those things are important to you!) My secondary considerations were ease of access and simplicity of use.

By comparison with its other applications, Google Tasks seemed woefully inadequate for what I needed in a task management system--and in reading all the related blogs and forums, Google didn't seem all that interested in fixing it. To make matters worse, the tasks in the email application didn't sync up with the tasks in the calendar application! Major dilemma.

I hear that there are some great apps for the iPhone and iPad, but I guess I'm officially a luddite as I have neither of those, and I wasn’t interested in shelling out the cash to move to those platforms either.

Having decided on the Google apps as my overall management system, which could at least manage my emails, calendar, and contacts, I set out to find solutions to the other two biggies: task management and journaling. I'm going to be honest with you and admit that I haven't found the perfect solution yet--I continue to keep looking--but I have found some solutions that are working for me.

I also needed something that incorporated these three basic tools, as well as the two newer tools, within something I could convince myself was a one-stop-shopping solution. Additionally, It had to be accessible from as many of my devices as possible. I knew this was a tall order and that I'd have to prioritize these needs and I might have to be flexible.

This is how I adjusted to an electronic solution and it may or may not work for you. Later I'll outline things you should look for when determining a solution that works best for you.

My Solutions

All In One Solution

For me, accessibility means I need to not only have access to it from all my electronic devices (desktops, laptops and the ever-present Blackberry), but it has to have some semblance of my old day planner's "all in one" solution. With my day planner I had everything at my fingertips. I could see my to-do list next to my day's appointments, all of which flanked my journal. I haven't found the online system that does that for me while tying into email and contacts and syncing with my other computers and my Blackberry.

Most browsers, however, now let you have multiple windows open at the same time in the form of tabs. I settled on Google's Chrome as my browser (well, if I was doing everything else Google, then it made sense that using their browser would afford the best interoperability) but you could just as well use Foxfire, Safari, or IE. I set it to open the following tabs each time I started up: email, calendar, contacts.

So that just left the business of syncing with the other devices. Since it was all web-based, all my other computers worked fine (I even set Google Chrome to sync my account on all my computers so when I launch it, it's the same on all of them.) And Google does a pretty good job of integrating the email and contacts with those on my Blackberry.

I'll address integrating email as a time management tool later, so that brings us to the calendar.

Calendar

Not much to say on this one. Calendar systems are what calendar systems are... you put in an appointment and it tracks them. The Google calendar syncs across all my devices and sets reminders for me so I couldn't be happier. One advantage of having one that integrates into your contact management system is that you can invite people to appointments that you want to share.

One disadvantage of the Google calendars was there didn't seem to be an easy way to label appointments or color code them like I had in Outlook. For example, all my job-related appointments I wanted to stand out in one color, all my classes in another, choir in yet a different one, etc. My solution was pretty easy... Google lets you set up different calendars and assign a color to each. These all show up on my main view and synch across to my various devises—problem solved.

Task Management

Task management, however, didn't go so easily. As I mentioned, the task management built into Google was... well... pretty awful. I experimented around and tried "Remember The Milk" and "GQueues" and finally settled on "GQueues" as I felt it worked the best for me. (Both were really good... it was just the little things that won me over.) Now a new tab was added to my browser launch.

Both integrated into Google, and both had an internal email address so I could easily email tasks to myself or forward an email or appointment to myself as a task and have it show up in the task system. But neither one had a Blackberry app. That was pretty disappointing as now I didn't have my task list with me. Sure, I could go the website for each, but the browser on the Blackberry is slow and the screen tiny (right, right... I shoulda splurged for the iPad; I know.) But since I'm pretty much in front of my computer all day long that was something I was willing to forego. I keep up with GQueues discussion forums and it appears they are working on this.

The downside of GQueues was that it does cost me $25 per year. I know I said I was looking for something free, but this was important enough to me that I felt I should splurge. Some other bonuses, GQueues let's me nest tasks so I can maintain my daily prioritization scheme, as well as create project plans with subordinate tasks. It has a flexible "queue" system that lets me rethink and redesign things on the fly to help me stay focused.

Journaling

In the day planner days, journaling was where you kept all the extemporaneous data that you collected during the day. Periodically you would review the journal and properly file away all pertinent information--your basic data storage and retrieval system, with the journal acting as a sort of temporary storage facility.

Journaling in the computer environment makes it easy to store the data in the right place sooner so there's less need for the intermediate storage. It's actually easier to just put contact information in your contact management system than it is to store it someplace else temporarily. Same holds true for project information, long-term goals, future appointments, etc.

Each system--email, tasks, calendar, contacts--provides its own internal method of storing their related data for later retrieval using folders, labels and tags. But there still remain those notes and ideas that don't really have a permanent home yet. How best to deal with those?

Since the other elements do provide their own data storage and retrieval, my priority for this option dropped considerable. I was willing to use a separate option on my Blackberry and another one on the computers. On the Blackberry, I use its internal notepad; that seems to work OK—there aren't so many that I lose track of them.

On the computer, though, I've been exploring a couple of options. I haven't settled on any one application yet, but I'm currently looking at Google's Notebook, and a personal blog. Both let me add labels to my entries so I can quickly retrieve information, and both are readily accessible from any computer I might be using.

The blog might just win out because I have several blogs that I write for and so I'm constantly in the Blogger system. Additionally, Google has apparently pulled support from Notebook so I'm not sure how long it will be around. Now if Google and Blackberry would just put their heads together and come up with an blog app for the Blackberry, I'd be happy!

One key thing I've learned in all this is to use consistent labels (or folders or tags... whatever your system has) across all the applications. If I have a folder or label in my email for a work project, then I need to have the same label in my task management, journal, and calendar systems.

Contact Management

Electronic systems are at once more sophisticated and more spread out. The inclusion of computers requires, at least, an integrated contact management system Any email system worth its salt has this built in—it saves its users from having to go searching for an email address every time they want to send something.

Google fortunately integrates this quite seamlessly across all its applications—at least as far as I can tell. Another advantage is that Google seems to "remember" the odd email address that it's come across so you don't have to go searching for it. On the downside, this means you have to periodically go into Google Contacts and look for duplicates and combine them, but fortunately there is a built in tool for this that works quite nicely.

eMail

Email is the only tool I haven't really discussed as a separate item here--it is quite integrated into the other elements and I've mentioned above. But there were some key factors for me that Google solved. It had to: work, sync with my blackberry, allow storage (Google uses labels which I prefer over folders since an email can have multiple labels, but only one folder), and integrate with as many of my other systems as possible.

Gmail did this. I'm sure there are other systems that do it too—this is just where I landed.

Wrapping Up

Well, that's how I became electronic in my time management practices. You don't have to do it the same way I did--I think it's important for you to find what works for you. While there are disadvantages to not having a single, unified system, there is the benefit of being able to craft a system, or series of systems, that works specifically for you.

Part of me wants to go back to my good 'ole Franklin Planner... but gosh darn it, my Blackberry is just so small and convenient--it even clips to my belt so my arms and hands are free. Plus I'm in front of my computer all day long anyway, so having a notebook open in front of me just seems... well... archaic.

So if you're wondering how to move from a paper system to an electronic one, here are some things to consider:

• First, decide on which tools you must have and then prioritize them. There are a variety of tools out there now: task management, calendars, email, journals, contact, CRM's, blogs, notepads, Dropbox, Google Docs, collaborative writing... the list goes on and on. Determine what your "must have" list is and the criteria for each part.
• Look for tools that integrate into your most important electronic devices--those that you use the most, such as desktop and laptop computers, smart phones, and tablets.
• Look for tools that integrate with each other--at least with your highest priority ones. If there aren't direct hooks between them, are there simple ways to make them talk to each other (like forwarding emails to you task manager for quick entry?)
• Rather than looking for a central journal option, create a strong data storage and retrieval methodology that spans across all your applications.
• And finally, don't be afraid to experiment. I continue to explore and tweak things. I don't think the "perfect" system actually exists—partly because my needs change over time. This is the beauty of this type of moduler soluttion; it can grow and adapt as I change.

Procrastination vs. Inspiration

I grew up thinking I was just a procrastinator. When a project was first announced I had a jumble of great ideas, then "pffft"... nothing until just before it was due. During that time all those ideas percolated in my brain and ideas formed, connections were made, thesis/antithesis/synthesis became clearer; and then at the last minute, in a flood of inspiration, it would all tumble out.

And because I didn't spend an hour a day on it, keep copious index cards, and have a proper outline at the ready, I was constantly berated as a procrastinator - a veritable four-letter word when you're in school.

Now, when I look back on it and analyze my behavior and thinking patterns, and I compare them with how I work today, I realize that in truth I wasn't actually procrastinating.

Some people are great at organizing their thoughts well in advance, and managing their thinking processes-their creative processes-on paper. Others, like me, do this in their heads. For me, I have to let the ideas sit and simmer for a while so that the various themes and threads can begin to come together into what I feel will be a good finished product. That's when the "inspiration" hits and I begin to produce.

Now, don't get me wrong... with certain things, like cleaning the bathroom, doing the laundry, or paying the bills, I can procrastinate with the best of them. But I've learned that procrastination is related to things I don't want to do! For things I want to do, it isn't procrastination, it's my thinking and creative process.

In time management it's important to know that all the rules, keys, tips, and tricks we create are really just guidelines to help us keep focused and not lose track of things. It is important to honor the way you innately do things and let your system adapt to your natural processes, not the other way around. (I guess you could say I'm a "form-follows-function" kinda guy.)

Once you identify your natural way of doing things—your native creativity patterns—then you can use your time management skills in ways to enhance them. And for those things that you truly are procrastinating over, your time management practice can provide a way to keep those under control.